I just want to say that I am grateful, grateful, grateful for my dear Sofia and open up a little bit more about the miracle that she has been in my life
Buckle up here, this is your CW for non descriptive SA ahead in the post.
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When I was a young child, my dream was always to get married, buy a house down the road from my parents and have a bunch of kids. It was a regular topic discussed in my household. I always say I was a born nurturer, I naturally took the lead caring for my siblings, animals, plants, toys even! and so this just made sense to me.
When I was a preteen and became a victim of sexual assault however, that all changed. I suddenly felt like all of that was taken away from me. I didn’t feel like a “good girl” that would be worthy of having a family of her own. I felt damaged and I felt broken. I always thought, no one will ever want something serious with you. No one will ever want to start a family with you. You’re too damaged. You’re too far gone.
I never spoke any of this out loud into existence and instead just really leaned into “reaction formation” where I just actively denied ever wanting a family or any semblance of a nurturing role in life. I leaned into this other personality of like, “yeah, I’m not a good girl, so what??? You’re the dummy for wanting those things, I’m just smart for not wanting those things” —that was my way of comforting myself and avoiding the pain of how deep in my core my feelings of unworthiness were.
I see now how deeply hurt I was at the loss of a dream that was taken away from me at a young age. Things had gotten to a point where I couldn’t bare the thought of having a kid or loving spouse without reflexively pulling back and feeling deep feelings of unworthiness and a fear that I would be found out to not be good enough and have it all taken away.
This was the mental space I was in when I became pregnant with Sofia. I did explore all of my options at the time—not because I didn’t want her, but because I was terrified of not being good enough. I wasn’t a sweet and wholesome girl, so who was I deserve something so sweet and wholesome as a child? Especially when people who are so very worthy of children struggle to have their own.
I feel now though that this was a divine intervention. This was God telling me, “you’re not only worthy of having a child, but I’ve set aside the very best child for you” and along came my sweet Sofia. The most angelic, funny, kind, affectionate, easy going, intelligent, beautiful kid I’ve ever known in my life.
I never knew if I would share this or not, but today, I feel like I should. Everyone’s experience of trauma (and life in general) is so unique, and this is my own unique pebble to throw in the bucket of stories.
I just deep in my soul want everyone who struggles to feel like they’re worthy of a family, of love, of success, of WHATEVER it is you fear, for whatever reason—you are so worthy of it! Please don’t let your fear of not being worthy of something keep you from living your truth and seeing the light that it will bring to your life
I have so much love in my heart for all of you, I hope you have a beautiful day today