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Finding Purpose out of Darkness




If you knew me prior to me getting pregnant with Sofia, you probably know what I talk about when I say--I was a hot mess.


I drank too much, I was starving myself, I abused drugs, I was unkind to the people around me, I was all in all, not a great person to be around.


When I got pregnant with Sofia, there was this idea I had to deny that any of my past ever happened. I really believed that if Sofia, or anyone else, knew about my past and what type of person I used to be, they would automatically assume that I wasn't fit to be Sofia's mom or that they would judge me for 'faking' who I am today.


Today, though, it really hit me.


At 21 days of prayer and fasting we were talking about the 3 types of ways that Jesus heals.


He heals instantly -- as in at the moment you need healing, He heals you.


He heals incrementally -- as in He heals you slowly, over time.


He heals differently -- as in, He may not heal you the way you imagined the healing taking place, but that He will use your adversity to become the miracle for someone else.


I have had a lot of experience asking God for things, and Him healing me differently. I feel like this is what happened with Sofia.


My prayer to God sounded a lot like me wanting justice for what had happened to me at the hands of my abuser, and thinking that only when I got that, I would be healed. For years, not having the justice is what drove me to this point of insanity--I was stubborn in my pain, thinking that healing could only come after justice was served.


I knew that God would have His way of handling my abuser, but it wasn't enough for me-- I wanted to see it with my own eyes (looking back; this was me trying to control what was uncontrollable and giving my abuser far more power over my life than he deserved--God freed me of that circumstance, but I was choosing to live in it, every single day of my life).


God worked on my heart though, when He gave me Sofia. I truly believe that He sent her to me in order to soften my heart and bring out the love and compassion that I had shut my heart off to for so long. She's truly been a miracle for my life and has changed every aspect of it. She opened my eyes to new beginnings and all the good in the world and a new way of thinking.


These past few years, I have really found myself having very meaningful conversations with people who also experienced the same things I have struggled with -- sexual abuse, unexpected death of a close family member, etc, and being able to sit with them in that pain in a way that I think is really difficult for most people to be able to (I would know, because I've had countless people try and help me and leave me more frustrated by their lack of understanding than helped by their words).


It's hard to understand why these things happen: and in all honesty, I still have moments of wondering "why" and trying to understand why these things happen. But, maybe God decided to heal me differently so that I can be the answer to other people's prayers and help them along their journey of recovering from PTSD or healing from the loss of a loved one, or someone to walk alongside them through this journey of single motherhood. Maybe He healed me differently so that I could be an advocate to prevent what I went through from happening to any other girls.


Now, I am very grateful to share my experience, and all of it--the good, the bad, and the ugly, in hopes of helping the people around me to have an easier time with their struggles--even if all they take away from it is that they are not alone and that there are people out there who have experienced this as well and are here to help.


I am not ashamed of my journey--it's made me who I am today. Above all, I feel so blessed to have a God who can turn even the ugliest chapters into beautiful purpose.



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